The Great Paper Caper

Today, on The Devil Wears Wal-Mart,

Let's refer back to the top quote from last week, shall we? I believe it went a little something like this...

"Stop worrying about doing things correctly and just do what I say."

Ok, so if I'm trying to be a good employee (which I begrudgingly am, with valiant effort at not losing my dignity or my sanity) then I should follow this sage advice, right? So today my assigned task was to make copies of our entire script, educational materials and study guide for our entire creative team. That's 7 copies of a GINORMOUS document choc-full-o musical goodness, people. I was told to take care of this task in the office, as it was the only thing assigned to me today. So I'm printing away, minding my own business, when another office patron (from a different company. We're in a shared space - NYC style) gets angry with me because "[insert company name here] is doing these huge printing jobs again after we specifically told you not to." Notice the keyword - "again." As in, this has apparently been a running theme around the office, a theme which my boss conveniently forgot to mention to me, the lowly worker bee. So I apologize profusely, quickly quit my printing job and allow my grumpy office friends to complete their printing jobs. I wait a bit, then continue printing because I have to bring the documents to the "big meeting" tomorrow. 762 pages later (yup, a ream and a half of printer paper, gone. Apparently my boss isn't one for saving the trees), I had completed the job. During that time, my grumpy office friends had apparently called my boss to say, "Hey, quit using our printer as your own personal Kinkos." So, in turn, my boss calls me. And so it begins...

The DWW proceeds to tell me that it is my fault that my grumpy office friends are grumpy, that I should have called the minute I realized that anyone was remotely upset and that I have to use "better judgement" in the office. First of all, the people in the office were grumpy because you selfishly used the office goods and services in a way you weren't supposed to, but you set me up to take the fall for it. And now I'M grumpy because you made me look like a jerk, when really I was just adhering to quote #1 from the previous week and trying to DO MY JOB!!!!!! Next, do I really need to call you "the minute" someone is upset? If that were the case, I would be in a perpetual state of on-the-phone-with-you, because everyone is upset with you ALL THE TIME! You are ridiculous! And finally, you might want to be careful instructing me to use better judgement, because better judgement would probably involve me quitting, spilling a cup of coffee on your jorts and then stomping on your big toe on the way out the door, just for good measure.

Wait until you hear the DWW's solution to this office animosity. Simply reduce the amount of daily printing generated by our office? Of course not. Purchase our own heavy-duty printer to keep up with demand and stay out of everyone else's way? Ha! No, no. My instructions from now on are to "just space out the larger printing jobs over the course of an entire day so nobody notices and we don't interrupt anybody." As in, print 762 pages...5 pages at a time...in a span of 6 hours. Yep. I was actually instructed to use good old fashioned deception to keep doing exactly what I had just been told I couldn't do. And I absolutely love how second-grade playground this plan is. Let's throw rocks at little Tommy while his back is turned, then when he turns around we'll whistle, kick the dirt and pretend it wasn't us. I think they're going to notice that I go over to the printer every hour on the hour, and that the paper supply is depleting just as fast as it did today. The DWW would probably tell me that I am overestimating the intelligence of everyone in the office, and that there is no way they would notice because they are all idiots. The condescension coming from every word breathed by this individual is astounding. Let's hear it for World's Greatest Boss.

Whew, deep breaths. So after that nonsense went down, I did actually go apologize to the grumpy office friend that was particularly offended by the excessive printing, and made sure that friend knew that I had no idea it wasn't allowed and it wouldn't happen again. They proceeded to tell me that they knew it was because the Ruler of Crazytown had decreed it, and they were not mad at me. Advantage: Rachel.

The icing on the ludicrous cake today was that after all of that, I had to cart a finished copy of the script up to 90th street to hand deliver it to the DWW, because of course the DWW couldn't be bothered with venturing more than a block from its natural habitat...and was also having a super-important meeting (a.k.a. lunch with a friend) that couldn't be interrupted. So, 5 extra subway dollars and 45 minutes later, I was free.
Here's to tomorrow's adventure. Is it August yet?